


To Throw a Kale

by BlackMajjicDuchess



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Humor, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-18 22:03:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10626021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackMajjicDuchess/pseuds/BlackMajjicDuchess
Summary: In a delirium of exhaustion, I downloaded Stardew Valley. I was expecting the peaceful serenity of mindlessly watering plants. Perhaps some fishing. I wasn't expecting how deeply invested I would become in the lives of the NPCs.Or how I read way too much into Sebastian's mannerisms and accidentally married the person in the game who is most similar to my own husband in real life. And how trying to get someone to fall in love with me hilariously reminded me of what dating is like (and just how ridiculous I can be).NOTE: You don't have to have played Stardew to follow this story. I was new to it, so you can learn along with me. Maybe you'll want to play it, too (if you don't already)





	1. I Want This to Be Harvest Moon

* * *

To tell you this story, I need to give you a little background. By Monday, I will have worked nineteen out of the last twenty days due to an unexpected staff deficit and a surprise visit from the inspection agency. I am dog tired. I don't have the mental capacity to do much else than the same shit over and over again for hours to feel some sense of accomplishment. I don't have enough brain cells to rub together to make words happen. I'm too tired to read anime subtitles and movies don't take up enough time. I don't want puzzles and plot.

My roommate had just downloaded Stardew Valley a few days prior and keeps on about how peaceful and lovely it is and how amazing the reviews are. We're at work, and all he can talk about is going home to build a chicken coop. Says all he does is fish and plant tomatoes. It's simple and straightforward and doesn't require a lot of thought . 

"That sounds...really nice, actually," I say to him. I loved Harvest Moon, after all. And I kind of miss it.

So I buy it.

I think about everything I know of Harvest Moon. That's what you do, after all. Try to figure out what to expect, and hope for enough of a surprise that you don't get bored immediately. In Harvest Moon, there were cheap, easy crops and rarer, more expensive crops. A town to explore with people to meet. Animals to raise. A lot of it was tedium and routine, but that is exactly what I need. 

The game opens with my grandfather dying and leaving me a 'mysterious envelope' (I mean...I know it is the deed to the farm, but my character doesn't). He instructs me to open it when I hate life so much I need a change. In my mind, I find this ironic. As it is, I want nothing more than to forget about work for a while. But it's made all the more real when the game pans out to my character sitting at a desk staring at an ancient PC. The desk next to me is occupied by a skeleton. Someone a few cubicles over has also just been fired. I clearly have the worst job in existence. Grandfather must have known I'd get sick of it eventually. 

It is now that my character opens the envelope, and before I know it I'm bussing my miserable ass out to bumfuck nowhere. Upon arrival I'm greeted and whisked away to Grandfather's dumpy cabin on an overgrown wasteland of wilderness. I have work to do. I have to wonder what my character would be thinking. I assume she's some kind of city dweller who has never had to use a shovel before in her life, so this part is amusing to me. When you start the game, your energy is low. I chop down a handful of trees and get tired, then go to bed early. I do this for days.

And I do this for days despite the fact that the Mayor thinks I should go to Pelican Town and introduce myself. I'm not much of a socialite. I have work to do. Why should I care about a programmed handful of soulless NPCs? They'll be on the same schedule day in and day out and probably won't care whether I go to town or not. What's important to me at this point in time is to clear enough ground to plant my fortunes. Introductions can wait. Friends require attention and gifts. There will be time enough for that. 

 


	2. The Flower Dance

"You get to this point in the game where there's this big dance. It's a big deal. Everyone in the town is there, but I spent so much time working on my farm and not a whole lot of time putting any thought into the relationships. So you get to this dance and everyone's partnering up, but no one knows me and hardly anyone likes me at all. I asked literally everyone there to dance with me, even the guys, and no one would. It's weird...it's pretty much like me in real life."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, I ended up hanging out in the corner with this one weird girl who at least talked to me. We just sat in the corner and judged everyone. It was great."

As I listen to him speak, I am determined not to repeat his mistake. Inwardly, though, I'm impressed. Most games wouldn't let you get away with that. There would have been at least one desperate soul at the dance who was willing to dance with you to stroke your ego enough so your feelings weren't hurt enough, yet the rejection should have smarted enough to make you try harder. 

But that wasn't going to be me. I could do better. 

Although I had already determined that I didn't care so much about relationships, I am intrigued. It settles in my chest like a kind of challenge. My roommate and I had started this game at about the same time. Naturally, I want to be better than he is. So I decide to meet the villagers at long last to form some connections. 

* * *

 

I decide right away I like Clint. He seems pretty grounded. Decent fellow. Has a good job.

Alex is living with his grandparents. He works out and clings to a football. SO not my type. Maybe he's your type, but my brain screamed 'douchebag' right away. Alex and I were clearly not going to be friends. 

I say hello to Shane. He retorts, "Don't you have work to do?" Well. Fuck that guy. 

Sam seems okay. He's blonde and loves his guitar. Usually not my thing, but once I find out I'm not allowed to marry Clint anyway (which I don't understand), Sam takes the lead as someone I might date. 

I toy with the idea of marrying one of the girls instead (because you can do that in this game, which is awesome). My roommate is wooing Abigail and she sounds cool. I don't have to make my mind up right now. 

Harvey's single. He's a doctor. Maybe...?

The last guy is Elliott, but I promised myself a long time ago that I was done with guys with long hair. It's just not my thing. He seems a bit too poncy anyway. Nice guy...just too...pretty. 

It's a rough and preliminary sketch of what's going on in Pelican Town. I figure I can just work on all of the relationships at once. We're just going to be good friends for a while anyway. I don't have to commit to being soulmates with just one at this point. I just need a date for a freaking dance. 

It turns out to be much more difficult to gain hearts than I initially thought. I give everyone gifts for a couple of days, but nothing changes. In the meantime, there are still plants to be watered and harvested, and honestly I just don't have that kind of time in a day. 

By the time my Flower Dance comes around, I've got a couple of people up to one heart. I know it's not enough, but I feel as if I've been pretty nice. Surely someone would take a chance on me. Just for a dance. Just this once.

...

No.

It's at this point in the game that I realize this is not at all the game I thought it was. I am systematically shut down by every person there at the Flower Dance. I also make the mistake of trying to talk to Robin (who I had hoped was single...she's a lady carpenter and really nice). Her husband is rather offended. He claims that since I am a farmer, I should know 'how these things work.'

Most people are as evasive as normal people should be. "I was going to ask someone else" or "I was hoping someone else would ask me." Haley says "...Ew." And someone else says honestly that they just didn't want to dance with me. Clint has a thing for someone else, which is a bummer. 

I talk to everyone at the dance one by one in desperation. Everyone shuts me down. 

I go over to where Abigail and Sam are. There's someone else there who is obviously a friend of theirs. He sticks out like a sore thumb against the cheerful colors of Stardew Valley. He dresses all in dark colors and he has the sideswept emo bangs. I raise my eyebrow and think to myself, "What are you even doing here?" He clearly doesn't belong. I kind of shake my head, but everyone else has turned me down, so why not?

The first thing he says to me is "Ugh."

When I ask him to dance, he admits he was thinking of asking someone else. Probably Abigail. She seems cool. I don't blame him. 

At last I give up. Prince Emo was the last one I asked. So I talk to the Mayor and advance the dance. It's goofy as hell. I'm kind of glad I didn't have anyone to dance with. It's choreographed and dated and even the girls look odd in their stuffy dresses.  

And then there's me, standing awkwardly in the corner with my too-cool-for-school shades. Wut. I don't need your stupid dance anyway.

But Sebastian's response sticks with me. As the dancers kick and prance, all I can think about is his scoffy "ugh." He clearly doesn't want to be at the dance, either. Probably the kind of guy who would rather stand in the corner, as he'd been doing when I arrived. As I was doing now. 

_Let's be awkward together._

OK, Sebastian. You're the one. 


	3. 'I Hate This' is Code for Thanks

Once I decide on Sebastian I completely forego giving anyone else gifts. He's the kind of guy who probably feels invisible. Not special. Like no one even gives a fuck. In fact, I make a whole lot of assumptions about Sebastian. I feel as if I already know him. Come to think of it, he probably didn't appreciate how I had asked everyone else at the Flower Dance to dance, too. And before I ever asked him. 

If I am going to make Sebastian like me, I need to make him feel like he's the only one in this world that matters.

Of course, trying to find the guy turns out to be more of a challenge than I have time for. I still have to water my crops, plant, and harvest. I have a lot of work to do on the farm! I almost never see him in town, and I don't have the time to go searching for him every day. I spend probably half of summer in between my chores trying to track him down. I start to think maybe it's just _not my year_. I am sure I have already missed his birthday, and I still don't even know what he likes. Something sciencey, probably. Astronomy seems right. Something deep and thought-provoking. Something _smart,_ not superficial. 

Then, during a particularly heavy rainstorm, I take advantage of God watering my plants for me to go do some fishing. (Note: I don't believe in God, actually, but it's still awfully nice of him to water my plants). Thank goodness I get to do something other than hard labor. Fishing is nice. I actually quite enjoy it in real life. Just as I settle in at my seaside dock, though, I see him. He's on the opposite dock, staring out across the waves.

I panic. I wasn't expecting to see him here. I've brought nothing with me. Just my rod and reel and an empty inventory. I was planning on going home with an inventory full of fish to sell to supplement my income. I furiously cast and capture for several hours, hoping against all hope that he likes fish. I'll give him whatever comes up out of the ocean and I hope it's enough. When I feel as if I have caught enough fish, I leave my dock and make my way over to his. I think I'll give him the biggest of my fish. Or would he prefer the smallest of them, since it's not as obviously awesome?

By the time I make it to his dock and stand beside him, I am so consumed with self-doubt that I consider abandoning the plan entirely. If I talk to him, will he be annoyed that I've interrupted his thoughts? I decide to go for the strong and silent motif. I don't want to be 'that annoying farmer girl' to him. So I stand there quietly for about ten minutes just to be there. 

Then I open up my inventory. Now that I'm looking at it, the fish don't seem...right. I feel like fish is _close_ , but not _correct_. If I hand over a twitchy, slimy fish, what does that say about me?

I keep looking at this broken CD I found while fishing, and it _feels_ right. He surely loves music. Maybe it's one of his secret pastimes. Sam plays guitar. They're friends. It makes sense. The CD is broken...there's meaning to be found in that. Someone has discarded it. Cast it into the sea to be swallowed by the waves. It's cracked, unwanted, and broken, just like Sebastian. Maybe he will appreciate it for what it is (and what it isn't). Perhaps it will spark a conversation. 

I gift him the broken CD.

His response is a curt, "I hate this."

_But he doesn't give it back._


	4. Maybe 'I Hate This' Means Just That

"I just panicked and gave him a broken CD. It's broken. He's broken. I figured it was perfect."

Paul laughs. "Abigail likes amethysts. I keep going to the mines to keep a stockpile of them. But she's unhappy and keeps talking about how she wants to go on adventures. And she's a gamer, too, which I can totally appreciate."

"Sounds perfect."

"Yeah. She's not like the other girls. Most girls like flowers. I handed her a flower and she was like, 'how did you know I was hungry?' You're not supposed to eat it, but hey, whatever makes you happy. Girl eats flowers. So what?"

"I don't have a kitchen yet, so I can't make him any food. I wonder what he even likes." I pause. Ever since I gave him the broken CD, I've been having an emotional crisis. What does 'I hate this' _really_ mean? "I still kind of feel like 'I hate this' isn't what he wanted to say. Like he was uncomfortable being given gifts and didn't want me to know I had affected him in any way. Like he wants to say something epic and poetic like, 'broken music from the sea. It's as tragic and fragile as my soul,' or something like that. But maybe _he_ panicked, and 'I hate this' is just his default response. Like he says he hates it, but he keeps a box of all of the gifts he has ever gotten, and there's like three things in there and one of them is this broken CD."

"This game, man, I tell you. It makes you care too much. The other day, I was talking to Abigail's father, and he got too real for a minute and asked me, 'do you think she looks like me? We're nothing alike. Sometimes I worry she isn't mine.' And I was like, 'holy shit, dude.' That got dark real quick."

 _"Whoa._ Seriously?"

"Yeah."

It makes me wonder what Sebastian's family is like. It's the first time I've ever thought about it. If I have to hazard a guess, he feels like no one in his family understands him or cares enough. He has a sister...probably thinks she is the family favorite. She could be his half sister. Maybe Robin is remarried. It would explain a lot, actually. For the first time, it dawns on me that maybe the reason I never see him is because he never leaves his room. "Hm."

It doesn't help that I'm still worried that 'I hate this' really meant 'I hate this.' I have already fucked up in our first few interactions. Asked him to dance last after hardly getting to know him at all. Gave him a piece of shit broken CD. I gotta step up my game. This love story isn't really destined to bloom, after all. He clearly doesn't belong here. If fate were kind to him, he'd land some kind of IT job in the city and peace the fuck out, not settle down with the farmer who just left all of that behind. 

I need a better gift. 

* * *

I think about all of the gift-like items at my disposal. He's not a flowers guy. I know some guys like flowers, but if Sebastian liked flowers, it'd likely be something rare and eccentric, like a pitcher plant. No dandelions and daffodils. Flowers is definitely out. I could give him food...but I don't have a kitchen yet, and I still refuse to give him a whole fish fresh from the water. He doesn't strike me as an outdoorsman. Maybe an indoorsman. "Hey, I found this random onion out in the wilde" doesn't seem likely to work, either.

That leaves the mines. And once I think about the mines, I'm fairly certain that's a good idea. If I can find something interesting down there--maybe a monster talisman or a rare stone?--he is sure to appreciate the effort at least. 

I spend about three days mining. The best I can come up with is a quartz. But this seems right. It's worth a try. At this point, if I can't find a gift he'll appreciate, maybe it just doesn't exist. Maybe Sebastian is to Stardew Valley as Nami is to Harvest Moon. Maybe I can't find his favorite thing until one of the later seasons. Maybe Sebastian is the bachelor that takes patience and persistence and a delicate approach. It fits the character profile my mind is already building.

I wait in his house all day waiting for him to come out of his room since I can't go in there (yet), holding a quartz above my head. I think of all the ways this could go right or wrong. Robin doesn't seem to mind. If this were real life, she'd probably think I was a little weird. I had just stormed into her house with this big rock held high in the air. "Have a nice walk?" she asks as I strut past her and pay her no mind. 

_Not now, lady. I'm trying to romance your son._

Finally, after what is surely hours, he emerges from his room. I thrust the quartz into his hands. 

He smiles. "Thanks, I like this."

 

_YES!_

 

I try to contain my excitement as he goes to the kitchen. It takes everything in me to leave the house. I still hardly know him and we already exchanged our words. I don't want to hang around like a ghost. Anyway, there's still work to do. So I rush home, spend several hours just walking around my farm like the OCD workaholic that I am--I just want to make sure I didn't forget to water anything, and since I have a bit of spare energy...let's just say I love cutting down trees at 9:00 p.m. Doesn't everybody?--and then go to sleep.

Tomorrow, I'm going back to the mines. 


	5. A Chance to Impress

I wake up the next morning. Same ol' rooster. Same 6:00 a.m. It's a mining day. But before I can go to the mines to hunt for quartz, I have to water my peppers. After that's done, I decide it's a good day to buy blueberry seeds. I'm in a hurry to get to the mines, so I'll plant them tomorrow. 

Since I'm at Pierre's, though, I check the quest board. Someone has placed a new quest, and since I'm going to the mines anyway, I'm hoping Lewis is asking me to slay slimes again. But it isn't Lewis. "I'd like to put an amethyst on a chain. Please deliver it sometime today." _Sebastian will be thankful._

I can hardly believe my good fortune. This is my best chance at showing off. Amethyst is a relatively common gemstone in the mines. I usually leave there with 2-3 of them. I've been selling them, though, and saving the quartz instead. I imagine how happy Sebastian will be when I hand over the amethyst. And, too, I find it interesting that a guy is making a necklace (I assume it is for him, and not for Abigail because _reasons_ ). Is he one of those guys that wears rings and such, too? Neat. Another layer of intrigue for me to appreciate.

I get to the mines as fast as I possibly can. I blitz through each floor, running from corner to corner searching for ore. Amethyst is a recognizable ore deposit...it has huge, deep purple crystals that stand out among the drab rocks of the mines. So I bypass all of the rocks, search every nook and cranny of the floors. I crack all of the wooden boxes and barrels (I have sometimes found them there). Only then do I start hunting for a ladder down. Floor after floor, I plunge deeper. I can only imagine what I must look like, whipping through the mines like a madwoman. 

By 7pm, I get frustrated. I should have found an Amethyst by now. More importantly, I'm running out of time. I can't just _get one_ today and then go home. I have to get one _and then get it to Sebastian_ and then go home, and his family locks the doors in the evening. I think he stays out late, but I don't know how late, and I don't know where he goes. 

I decide to chance it, though. I stay in the mines as long as I dare, a pool of dread building. I have a sinking sense I'm not going to find one in time. Fate has been cruel. By all accounts, amethyst is a pretty easy find. It's only _this_ amethyst at _this_ particular time for _this_ exact person that the Random Number Generator gods smiteth me. By the time 11 p.m. rolls around, I know I am screwed. It simply isn't possible to find an amethyst and get it to him and get home before 2 a.m., and _we all know what happens at 2 a.m._

Disappointed isn't the right word. Cheated is closer. I have missed a prime opportunity to make an impression. This wasn't a simple gift-giving exercise. This was a pointed request. Sebastian had a project he was working on that he needed help with, and I have failed.

I don't take failure well. 

* * *

 The whole way back to my house, I plan contingencies. If I don't get him an amethyst, after all, who will? Would he suddenly no longer need one? Lose interest in his project? Ask someone else?

 _Would_ he ask someone else?

I decide it's unlikely. It makes sense to me that an unfulfilled quest remains an unanswered need. It will probably just be replaced with another, more pressing quest. Sebastian will never get his amethyst. Sebastian will never make his necklace. UNLESS. Unless I get him an amethyst soon. What kind of story would that be? My imagination plays out one of those anime-esque dream sequences. Overdramatized. Overacted. Cheesy romantic music in the background.

_"Hey...a couple of days ago you were asking for this stone. I've been looking for it for you."_

_"You...completed my quest?"_

_I nod and hold it forward, my eyes squinted shut and my cheeks a bright red._

_"You've been searching? All this time?"_

_I nod again._

_"How...sweet. Thanks, I like this."_

That settles it. I'll keep looking, even if the quest is expired. 

To my utter shock, however, I find when I wake up that the quest is still active. Although the board says he needed the amethyst yesterday, apparently I still have a chance. I can't believe my good fortune.

Fuck the plants. I dash straight to the mines. It's worth it. 

I relive the previous day, blitzing through the mines, floor by floor. It's another disaster. I'm there for the entire day and find nothing. And then, miraculously, at around 9:45 p.m., an amethyst drops from a barrel. I waste no time. I exit the floor immediately. Exit the mines. Walk as fast as I can to Sebastian's house. It's already past 10 p.m., but I might have made it this time. After all, Sebastian, like a true night owl, stays out late often. 

I can only imagine what I must look like. Coated from chin to ankles with mine dust and slime. Standing outside his house, crazed and wide-eyed, an amethyst high in the air above my head. I'm not sure if I am waiting for him to notice and come outside or come home from wherever he's lurking. It doesn't matter. At some point, he has to show up to the door of his own house.

Unless, of course, he's already in there sleeping. In which case, I am extra especially creepy, just staring at a sleeping house like a stalker.

 _Notice me,_ my mind whispers. 

_I have fought my way to the castle beyond the Goblin City..._

_I fought so hard to free you._

I had spent two days of my time and let my garden go to shit just to find one of the most common ores in the game. I can't give up. Not now.

But the hours come and go. I am forced to accept that he's sleeping. I had found the amethyst, but I hadn't delivered it in time.

Vaguely, I wonder if he's up there after all, looking down from his window and wondering who I am. Maybe he is debating whether an amethyst is worth facing me at all. Maybe he is silently appreciating, but wants to see what I'll do.

But in the end, it's a video game. He isn't coming for the amethyst, and I have a bedtime, unfortunately. I can't just wait out here until he wakes up in the morning, even if I would have.

The next day, I find him and hand it over, as per contingency, as planned.

He smiles, but I wonder if he has known all along that it would come to this. I wonder if he'd planned it that way. And because I am probably insane, I wonder if he had something to do with why there weren't any amethysts in the mine to begin with. All good things are worth working for, after all. What might have come of this if finding the stone had been easy?

I guess I'll never know.

"Thanks, I like this," he says. He hesitates a little while longer. And then he's gone.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not putting a ton of thought into this fic...I've just had so many funny yet deep moments regarding Sebastian that I simply have to write it down. Drop a comment if you enjoy it. :) Thanks for reading!


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